Real Life Wednesdays – Bugs

I love Colleen Hoover, and I hate bugs. You may be wondering what these two things have in common.

 

I’ll tell you.

 

Earlier this week Colleen Hoover had a story on Instagram where she had a standoff with a spider, and at the end she ended up throwing a bowl over it to leave for her husband when he got home. It was the best thing ever.

This is notable to me because I do the exact same thing, and because Colleen Hoover is who I aspire to be one day, I love knowing that we might have some of the same quirks. Not only did I write this particular quirk of mine into book Three, but this is something my husband has to deal with on a regular basis.

 

Exhibit A:

Yes, the can of tomatoes is on top because the spider was SO MASSIVE that I was actually concerned he'd be able to move the Tupperware, or slide a furry leg underneath it to lift the side and escape. Hence, the tomatoes. You may be asking why I chose such a small Tupperware to put on top of him and this was two years ago so I have no idea.

 

Exhibit B (no photo):

The best story is from early in our marriage, around 2007, when we lived in an old (and by old, I mean built in 1919) home. My husband worked an odd shift at the time, and usually didn’t get home from work until 2AM or so. So one evening I walked into the bathroom in our tiny, old house, and I came THIS close to stepping on a HUGE SLUG. BAREFOOT.

 

Oh my gosh, you guys. (Or, oh my gosh…one person who might be reading my blog right now).

 

I avoided smashing the monster slug between my toes, but what on earth was I supposed to do then? I wasn’t touching that thing, but I didn’t want it to get away and find somewhere to hide in our bathroom in the several hours until my husband got home. So what did I do? I put a colander over it.

 

You read that right. A colander. Not like, a fine mesh one, or anything…but a huge plastic one with LARGE holes.

 

Yes, Hello. My name is Allison and I have a Bachelor’s and a Doctorate degree. Clearly, I put that education to good use and make smart decisions at all times.

 

As you might suspect, as I’m walking by a few hours later before going to bed, I stop short, because sticking up out of one of the holes at the top of the upside-down colander is the slug. With its two nasty antennae sticking up like satellites, probably to decide which way it should turn once free of the colander trap to slither into my bed and kill me.

 

What was I supposed to do now? I know what you’re thinking, because I thought the same thing.

 

Salt.

 

Even though I hate bugs, and especially hate them in my home, I’m actually a very kind-hearted person and there’s no way I would have put salt directly on a slug. What a terrible thing to do. Seriously.

 

Instead, I poured a ring of salt AROUND the colander, so that if the slug actually managed to slide out of the colander and make it to the floor before my husband got home, it would be HIS OWN FAULT for getting that far(suddenly along the way I’ve decided the slug was a ‘he’), and he would suffer the consequences.

 

Satisfied with my plan and set-up, I went to bed.

 

When my husband got home, he came into the bathroom to find a colander with a ring of salt in the middle of the bathroom floor. He just left it there and the next morning asked me what kind of Voo-Doo I’d been doing the night before?

 

Twelve years later, we’re still married, ladies and gentleman. And I still leave all the bugs for him.

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